Winter Solstice
We have just celebrated the winter solstice, the shortest day and longest night of the year here in the northern hemisphere. This seems to me to be a very appropriate time to return to my blog.
Along with our planet, I am also beginning to move out of darkness and into light.
These past few months since my last post have found me in a truly Dark Night of the Soul.
A quick run down: Kristi, in one of your comments you queried that perhaps my rejection by Gampo Abbey had “knocked the heart out of me” … and you were SO right! And on so many levels!
In mid-June, I came down with the H1N1 virus. Now, I don’t think that there is a real correlation between this and what was to come next, but it seems to mark a beginning of sorts. Shortly thereafter, I found myself in dark places …. and walking into that experience others have described as the Dark Night of the Soul …. and rightly so! I found myself in dark places such that I thought I would never, ever return from.
I reached a point where I believed the only relief would be from death itself and I entered into that frightening realm of suicidal ideation. For awhile, it was one thing to have the thoughts, but one night, I found that I had actually developed an intent to act on the thoughts. Yes, I developed a plan. These were VERY hard weeks. Then, a routine doctor’s appointment found an arrhythmia in my heart that was confirmed by an EKG. My heart was throwing PCV’s. Starting the next day, Oct. 27th, I was out of work …… and have been since then.
I have now been cleared to return when school re-opens on Jan.4th. The good news is that just as we begin to see more light during our days, the same can be true for my own “inner” days. I know I still have a ways to go, but the light is returning.
With your patience, I would like to spend some time on this blog to reflect on the journey I have been on in the past months. In the midst of thedeepest pain I have been aware that I have learned much. One of these lessons has been about how new life ALWAYS germinates in the darkness.
I have been deeply touched by those who have left supportive messages even during my silence. Each one touched me deeply and I am very grateful … in ways I may never be able to express.
So … I hope this finds you all well and ready to embark on this coming new year ….
Debbie
Stumble it!
December 28th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Oh, Debbie, I am so glad you’re back. It will be a privileged to follow your blog as you review what you have been going through.
Blessings, a shower of blessings on you, Debbie ♥
December 29th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Hi Deb,
Keep going on. Your experience are so useful for all of us. We are with you.