A Buddhist Catholic Blog

A Sufi spiritual meditative dance that is said to lead to the possibility of ecstatic union with God.

Here are some thoughts I had in response to a discussion I participated in elsewhere of how Extreme Islamists vicitmize Sufis.  (I am thinking that there are those who might consider Sufis to be extreme Islamists who are persecuted by Islamist Fundamentalists … but that is another conversation!)  They seemed appropriate to what I try to address here, thus, the cross-post!

This is exactly what has led me to the study of Buddhism ….. For some reason, the Abrahamic religions, perhaps simply because of geopolitical positioning, took the pursuit of the discipline of science as it developed in the “age of enlightenment” and has tried to make religion ‘answerable” to science. 
 
Because much in mysticsm (which is considered esoteric) in the Abrahamic traditions of Christianity, Judaism and Islam was not previously able to be understood through a “scientific” lens, the “exoteric”  groups have tried to denigrate or simply ignore the esoteric groups.  More recently, however, science is giving us some insight into exactly what happens, say in the brain, when one meditates, etc.
 
Christianity has a strong and long history of mysticism, but you will not hear much about it in church on Sundays …. and if you do, it is generally in terms of mystical ecstatic unions ….. stuff generally accepted as being unreachable and probably not even something acceptable today.

Both Islam and Judaism have esoteric branches - Sufiism and Kabbalah, respectively.
 
A number of years ago, when I was trying so hard to find a way to “fit” in the Catholic church, it suddenly became clear to me that what I wanted, what I sought, was simply to know God.  (friend of mine I was going through this particular exercise, her answer to “What is it that you seek?” was “a voice in the Church” (RC) She is now a pastoral adminstrator. (She is, in effect, the “Pastor” of the church and the priest is the “Sacramental Minister”.)

I really wanted to “know God” within the context of my church ….. but the more I got in touch with this longing for God, the more it became apparent that I needed to search within myself.  My church did not have “tools” to give me to do this …. Buddhism has.

Justin Whitaker over at American Buddhist Perspective has bestowed upon me an “Honest Scrap Award“. The award is described as follows:

This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant. This award is about bloggers who post from their heart, who oftentimes put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul.

I am always touched when Justin comments here on this blog, as I see him as a “real” Buddhist whereas I just seem to be stumbling along.  So, to be included in his list of “brilliant” blogs is a particular affirmation for me!

In Justin’s words: Debbie’s is one of only a few that I read each new post closely. Such reading, I find, pays off as one journeys with her through nature, deep questions, and the depths of the heart where Buddhism and Catholicism are one. In terms of spirituality I see much of myself, or who I aspire to be, in her words and adventures.

Thanks Justin!

Now that my ego has been stroked enough to make me blush ….  the rules of the Honest Scrap Award stipulate that I am to:

1. brag about it;
   
2. choose a minimum of seven blogs that I find brilliant;
   
3. and list ten honest things about myself.

#1 Brag about it …

OK … I think this post does the bragging …. but I admit I have told a few non-blogger friends about it as well!!!

#2  Seven Blogs I find brilliant:

American Buddhist : Whereas this might seem to be redundant, Justin’s blog is one that I always read with interest and with a sense of resonance … maybe it is our shared interest in photography!  But for someone coming from academia, I find his writing very approachable, real and in the moment …. all things I value.  I also find his writing about Buddhism on this blog to be unencumbered by dogma and doctrine which is particularly appealing to me …

A Seat at the Table : Claire’s blog is a part of her web presence at A Catholic Woman’s Place.  I admire her ability to remain within the church while also calling for so much needed change. Her breadth and depth of experiences are richly incorporated in her writing while remaining unpretentious.  I find her reflections theologically sound, drawing both on the the richness of tradition and the call to social justice in our modern world.  She also seems to have discovered that elusive balance between living contemplatively while living actively in our world.

A Wounded Deer Leaps Highest The writer of this blog shares her journey to heal the woundedness of her life as she also works toward helping healing others.  I find her writing compelling and downright brilliant.  She creates vivid pictures in words which evoke a sense of being with her in the experience.  I also am in awe of her heroic efforts to face the woundedness of her life and the healing way in which she touches the lives of those around her.

Quotidian Vicissitudes I thoroughly enjoy David’s playfully series descriptors of events in his everyday life.  I think that anyone reading them can’t help but see bits and pieces of themselves and people they encounter everyday.  When reading David’s blog posts, I always come away with a much needed chuckle and sense of not taking my own life so seriously.

Ken Wilber I have been interested in the work of Ken Wilber, a modern day philosopher and prolific author for awhile now.  I have been following what has been happening at the Integral Institute and I find the work engaging and forward thinking.

Merton in Asia This blog was kept by Rob Pollock from Vancouver, British Columbia from October 15th to December 10th 2008 as a reflective commemoration of Thomas Merton’s trip to Asia form October 15th to December 10th 1968.  It is wonderful following of Thomas’ journey through Asia while also looking at the culture and state of the world in 1968 and 2008. I find it thought provoking …. and a little nostalgic as I was a preteen back in ‘68 and listening to music and watching TV clips from that time brings back my own memories ….

Awakening to Numinous Joy Ok, so my first attraction to this blog was the word “numinous” … I just like the word!!!  Susan may only post occasionally, but I always enjoy what I read there, mostly, perhaps, because we seem to read the same authors and reflect on the same life issues and have similar life stances.  We seem to be traversing similar inner landscapes.  We are also both Aries (hmmm …what is the plural for Aries?  Arieses????)

#3  Ten honest things about myself ….

1) I believe that in a previous existence in this world, I was tall, blonde, thin with endless legs but I must have been very arrogant and conceited, because this time around, I am not any of these things  ::::sigh:::::

2) I was an athlete in college …. a fencer … and reasonably good at it!!

3) I live and work in a city of a quarter of a million souls (sounds so much more dramatic than 250K!) but I really think I should be in the country somewhere.

4) I have recently given up cable TV and an internet connection at home ….. and I think I am going out of my mind!!!!  Really!!!  Who knew I was so addicted???? (thankfully I can still get my e-mail, check Facebook and check out the web on my Blackberry STORM … as long as I am wearing my reading glasses.)

5) I drive way to fast …. in fact … I better go pay that outstanding speeding ticket before they come take my license away ….

6) I marvel at the fact that I raised a daughter who has safely arrived at the solid age of 22 and seems ready to launch her life ….

7) I am an only child and I have 2.5 brothers.

8 ) I have too many college degrees and I make too little money …. I actually think there is a direct correlation there …..

9) I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up ….

10) I can’t figure out why people at Weight Watcher’s meetings sit around talking about food …. I then have to leave the meeting and go out to get something to eat!  Good thing I don’t attend AA meetings!!!
OK!!!  That is it, I have finished!!  Phew!  This was a lot of work!

This weekend I was listening to a recording from Pema Chodron on True Happiness.  The thought that has stayed with me is that True Happiness is large enough to hold sadness, disappointment, anxiety, etc.

This spoke to me as if to say that happiness is a state of being that can hold impermanent emotions associated with “un”happiness.  These “un”happy emotions can arise in response to circumstances.  Indeed,  our human condition being what it is, these emotions are inescapabale.  However, it is good to think that as long as we do not attempt to avoid them or to cling to them, but rather let them rise and fall away as they will, then our sense of happiness need not be eradicated.

Apparently I am having more difficulty with accepting the fact that I was not accepted at Gampo Abbey than I would like to admit.  I really am trying to not fall in to the whole “sour grapes” scenario.  What I am aware of, however, is that I am liable to just throw out Buddhism entirely.  I think I am feeling as if all of Buddhism has rejected me ….. silly, huh???

It seems as if the central reason for not admitting me to the abbey without having previously made a “Buddhist” dathun (one month retreat) was due to the nature of possible diffiuculties arising from the “mind work”.  Apparently, if one can make it through a dathun, one has a better chance of making it through a year-long experience?  Again, I would point to the fact that having completed a year long canonical novitiate should count for something! 

I am thinking that perhaps the very fact that I am reacting the way I am proves the point of the Abbey director.

::::sigh::::::::

As I probably stated in an earlier post, my own concerns regarding going to the Abbey was having to deal with the dogma and doctrine I would encounter.  My interpretation of having been summarily dismissed based only on the written application and without any conversation at all is that it was a dogmatic decison.  So, I guess, in my mind,  my original concerns have been validated. 

What was my intent for spending time at the abbey?  What is it that I percieve I have lost?

My intent was to study Buddhism in such a way that I felt would be more “experiential” than doing purely academic study.  I had hoped that I would be able to study Buddhism in depth in a context that would foster my ability to internalize what I learned.  It is precsiely the setting aside a year of my life to do this “mind work” that was my goal. 

There must be some lesson I am to learn in all of this, but as of this writing, it has not become clear to me just what this lesson may be ….

Not sure why, but when I woke up this morning I decided I wanted to go walk the labyrinth at a local park/nature center.  An odd thought, really, as this is something I have not done in a number of years.

So, I did it ….. and while I was there I also walked one of the (shorter!) nature trails.  Being early spring, yet, there was not a lot of new life … but some ….. I took a few pictures:

As I walked the trail, I came across benches … so of course I tried each one while thoughts of Goldilocks and the Three Bears amused my inner child …..

As I rounded the back bend of the trail I found another bench that I thought looked just perfect upon which to just sit and commune with nature.  However, as I approached it, I was startled by some movement in the woods ….. and was surprised that I had walked within a few yards of two grazing deer.

I tell you, this deer and I shared a moment!!!

Yep …. way cool …… felt like a gift from the universe.

Many thanks to Kristi for her gentle nudge regarding my posts, or lack thereof!!!

Just before I had written the last post, I had received some news that has had a major impact on my immediate future.

Last November I had submitted an application to be a resident at Gampo Abbey (a Buddhist Monastery) in Nova Scotia for a year.  (August 2009-2010).  In order to do this, I also had to apply for a sabbatical from teaching.

The long and short of it is that I was not accepted by the Abbey … have not yet heard about the sabbatical.

The director of the Abbey has assured me that I was not out right “rejected”.  It was just that my application could not be considered until I had completed a dathun (one month retreat).

The reality is, this requirement to complete a dathun does mean I will not be considered, as I can’t take a sabbatical for a month.  Also, the costs of dathuns are beyond my reach.  Everything in my life at this particular time is just right for me being able to go apart for a year. By being on sabbatical, I would still receive 60% of my salary for the year which would more than cover my living expenses at the Abbey.

I did not make this application lightly.  I first had the idea back in Oct. 2007 as I was reading the works of Pema Chodron, but I dismissed it as being just my enthusiastic reaction to her writing.  But the idea, I guess, sort of stayed in my mind and by May 2008 I began to think “Well, why not??” So I started considering the idea in earnest, researched what was required and spoke with people about it, including my family, friends, co-workers and even my therapists.  On all counts, everything was favorable.  So, in October 2008, I began writing out the application and finally everything was sent in November 2008 and I received notice from the Abbey that everything had been received by Novenber 25, 2008.

Now, the first thing that makes me “wonder” is why, in the application process, it was never mentioned that a dathun was required before an application would be considered.  Had I known this, I would never have made the application and have my life held in suspension for about half of a year.

The director also mentioned the intensity of living in community with no way to “get away” and how this, for some, along with the “mind” work,  is too much pressure.  OK … .so did she read where I had been in a convent for 6 years???  That I have made many retreats, even silent ones?  Perhaps she did not understand that the canonical year of the novitiate is, essentially, a year long retreat.

I am aware of issues regarding living in community.  I had specifically discussed all of this with both of my therapists in order to get their “blessings” (so to speak) that my mind was in an OK state in order to make this particular journey.  One of them even wrote one of the required recommendations as a part of the application process.   They were both surprised that I had not been accepted.

Indeed, everyone that knows me well has been surprised that I was not accepted.

What I had been concerned about was how I might have difficulty with the doctrine and dogma of this particular lineage as well as taking on a Tibetan cultural way of living.  But I thought I would be OK if I approached it as a learning experience, without needing to think I needed to change ontologically and “become” Tibetan.

I keep thinking to myself that “This moment is the perfect teacher” and wondering what it is I should be learning here.  I keep thinking that maybe the universe is telling me that my path does not include being more “steeped” in Buddhism.

I have found that I am interested in the intersection of Buddhism and Psychology as well as the intersection of Buddhism and Christianity.  So, perhaps my path is more secular rather than monastic and my thought that a monastic experience would help me develop a depth of understanding and experience that I could then apply to a secular approach of living the Dharma was simply wrong.

It does leave me wondering what I should do next.  I considered withdrawing my application for a sabbatical, but in the end I left it and once I get an answer on that application, I may have a better idea of what to do next.  Or maybe not ……………

In the meantime, I am off next weekend to the Boston area to attend a conference on “Relational Mindfulness” ….. which combines Buddhist concepts with a psychodynamic theory called “Relational Cultural Theory”.  Then, in May, the Dalai Lama is speaking on Psychoytherapy and Meditation: cultivating wisdom and compassion.  Again in Boston and sponsored by the Harvard Medical School.  I am trying to decide if I can afford to attend this conference as well.

Maybe this is my Path ………

Awhile ago the idea of developments in our understanding of consciousness was brought up on an e-mail group I participate in.  I am cheating here by cross-posting my response to that group here on this blog.  Here is what I wrote:

This (consciousness) has been, for awhile, a specific area of interest for me for a number of reasons … not all of which are in relation to Church … and is part of what led me to first the study of Buddhism and then specifically the study of Insight Meditation. 

But, at any rate, there is quite a bit of empirical research behind this thought. Ken Wilber is considered one of the leading theorists in this area and has developed a theory of integrality which includes developmental levels of cosciousness and builds on the earlier works of Jean Gebser. Susanne Cook-Grueter, from Harvard and a founding member of the Integral Institute, is doing some very interesting work in the area of adult ego development.  Most of this work has been done in the last part of the last century and continues in this current time.

Wilber works closely with Fr. Thomas Keating, one of the proponents of Centering Prayer. (He is often referred to as a “founder” of Centering Prayer, but I would argue that he simply has been re-teaching something that has ancient origins).

Wilber and Keating appear together on a DVD entitled “The Future of Christianity” which I just recently obtained. For me, this has beenone of the first signs of hope for the future of the Church …

So, what does this have to do with a study of the Vat II docs?

Well, for me it puts the documents into a context that makes me question the relevancy of the documents for the “average” (meaning non- clerical) Catholic. (When speaking of “Clerics”, I include those non- clerics who rely on the Church institution for a livelihood)

From the Catechism, what is our reason for being? The very first part of that answer is “To know God…”

Do the documents help me to know God???

My personal answer to that query is “Not really.”

Does my church help me to know God?? Again, not really …

When I was a young nun, I often felt a pull toward Contemplation. But I also felt a very strong attitude that Contemplation was not as good as Active Service.

I have now come to see that the Church has, as a whole, stopped teaching contemplation … particularly after the beginning of the age of Enlightenment …. which really has embraced the Scientific age … or the primacy of the scientific method as the revealer of truth.

The institutional church, the hierarchy, and things such as the Vat II docs all point to the exoteric church. I believe that we have lost sight of the esoteric church. As a result, we see so many young people, in search for a God they can experience, turning to eastern experiences and why Eastern Spirituality has become SO appealing to many of the young who are searching for meaning in their lives.

When I first came to this list, it was with the hope that the Vat II docs would help me to know God … I have been disappointed in this area.

Karl Rahner has been quoted as saying “The Christian of the future will be contemplative, or not a Christian at all …”

Is he still considered heretical???

So, my question is, how does the Vat II docs address contemplation in our everyday lives???

What does all of this have to do with consciousness? Well, contemplative practices, even in the realm of the “secular” help us to develop into being aware of more complex levels of consciousness.

Sorry this post has been so long, but this has become my passion.

May all sentient beings, without exception, know Peace and Goodness…
Debbie

Tonight, I was searching for something else entirely, in reference to  Pema Chodron, and this was what fell into my lap (figuratively … it actually just came up on my computer screen!) Working with Pain: Developing Inner Strength. (::::sigh:::: sometimes it feels as if the universe is out to get me!) Then there was a 5 minute audio clip from one of Pema’s talks.

Click here to hear the clip:  Link to Pema’s talk

Within the first few seconds she asks the question “Can I touch the center of my sorrow.”  Followed by “Can I sit with pain, mine and yours, without trying to fix it.”

Well, my response to that is “Shit NO!” (oops …sorry … right speech and all …) Although, now that I think of it, I think I am BETTER at sitting with someone else’s pain … not necessarily GOOD, but at least better at it than sitting with my own.  I say this whilst all the while knowing that I will never truly be able to stay present with another’s pain if I cannot first do so with my own.

“Can I stay present to the pain of …..”  here she lists a few things, but for myself I insert “my childhood wounds.”

“Can I stay present to the pain of my childhood wounds and let it open me … this is the trick.”

Oh goodness, right now I can’t stay present with any degree of certainty that it is not going to kill me, let alone let it open me.

Towards the end of the clip, Pema refers to an “automatic panic” that arises …. this panic is something I am now familiar with.  It is as if there is something in me (in my psyche?) that decides it needs to up the ante …. that as I now try to stay with the pain rather than to give in to my habitual responses of withdrawal or denial or suppression there is this part of me that says “Oh yeah?  Well, then, try this on for size!”  and dials up a good heaping dose of panic.

It is now this panic that paralyzes me.  It is both the pain and the panic that has interrupted my sitting practice …. brought it to a screeching halt, actually.

So, I will take a friend’s advice and when the pain arises followed by the panic, I will do my best to remember to return to the breath (Vipassana Meditation).  Goodness, such a simple thing and I should have remembered it myself.  Makes me feel foolish, really.

Actually, it strikes me that all of this is stuff I already “knew” conceptually, but the experience is far different from the knowledge, and, in fact, it seems as if all knowledge just went flying out the door in the face of the experience of the pain.   Maybe there is some kind of learning theory here.  If I had not known it conceptually, once I had the experience I would not have had the knowledge to go back to and say to myself “OH!  THAT is what that meant!”

This moment is indeed the perfect (although perhaps not gentle!) teacher.