A Buddhist Catholic Blog

 During this past summer - August, to be exact - my path took an unexpected turn.  In the round-about ways these things often seem to happen, the topic of Shamanism came up briefly in a conversation.  I found myself intrigued, thinking “I have been interested in this, but have never pursued it.”.  It seemed to be a little “out there” even for me.  In less than a month’s time, I found myself signed up for and attending an introductory workshop on Shamanism.  I still find this extraordinary, as the workshop was offered just a 45 minute drive from my home here in Upstate Western NY.  I didn’t have to travel out west somewhere.  Click here for the website of the place where I attended this two day workshop: http://www.cecilecarson.com . 

Now,  August was a pretty rough month for me.  I remember that just the day before the workshop, I was questioning whether or not I should go.  What if I had a melt-down right there amidst these unknown people?  With all that I was struggling with, was this an appropriate time to start something new?  What if all the people there were really weird and I felt really uncomfortable? What if … what if … what if …… .  But, obviously, I did go anyway.  There was just something deeper than all the “what ifs” that told me I needed to go.  So, that last Saturday morning in August, I packed up the stuff that was recommended to be brought along, printed out the directions from mapquest and away I went.

Now, I really am quite introverted by nature and I generally am not overly comfortable in new surroundings with new people and facing a new experience.  However, the people I encountered seemed normal enough - friendly even!  No alarms were going off in my head, so I took a deep breath and decided to just “go with it”.

One of the first things that was explained about Shamanism was that it was a spiritual methodology.  This resonated with me quite deeply, because I really was not looking for any new doctrine/dogma  to which I needed to pledge my allegiance.  As a methodology, it can go hand-in-hand with any religious belief system, unless that system itself would disallow Shamanism.  In this case, the “disallowing” was not on the part of Shamanism, but on the other system of belief.

We jumped right in to learning how to  ”journey”.  The following is taken from the above mentioned website:

Shamanism is a spiritual methodology, and one of its most important techniques is that of the shamanic journey. In this journey, one is transported, through a change in consciousness, from ordinary reality into non-ordinary reality – that reality in which everything is alive spiritually. The shamanic journey allows one to part the veils between seen and unseen worlds to access information and healing that can help awaken us and restore us to wholeness.
Click here for the full article:  What is Shamanism?

Again I  started with all the “what ifs”.  What if I can’t do this?  What if nothing happens?  What if something DOES happen?  What if I do something wrong? Etc., etc.

So, I followed the directions to what I figured to be the best of my ability.  Now, because I am who I am, I had picked up a book or two to read before the workshop and had even attempted to “journey” using a CD of drumming.  The results were a bit dubious, at best.  I wasn’t sure what to make of it.  Without any interactive guidance, I did not know what to make of anything.  In light of my own lackluster journey results prior to the workshop, I laid down for this journey fully expecting to be unsuccessful.

I was wrong.

This journey was crystal clear.  Our intent was to find our “power animal”.  I was not anticipating the clarity that I experienced.  Now, somewhere in my mind I was hoping that my power animal was something great and powerful or maybe graceful and elegant.  I thought Eagle or a Lion or Gazelle would all be wonderful.  It was not to be so.   I ended up with a power animal that I had not even considered could BE a power animal.

I guess that at this point, if you are reading this, you might now ask, “Well, what was it?” For some reason, I feel now is not the moment to reveal what power animal appeared for me.  Perhaps in a later post.

Most of the weekend did continue along these lines, although I did, in fact, have a melt-down of sorts on Sunday afternoon.  But I survived even that.  After the weekend had finished, I found that I walked away with one singular thought, idea or conviction …

I had found my spiritual home.

Blessed be!!!!

Well, I have to admit that this new year came in as I was drifting off to sleep comfortable in my bed.  As I think about it, that may be quite appropriate.  As I did some reading about rituals and celebrations for ushering in the new year, I found that some cultures believe  that it is another of those times where the veil between this world and an “other” becomes thin. So for me, as 2010 began, I was most probably in my own numinous state.

One thing that most cultures believe about the beginning of the new year, regardless of when or how it is observed, is that it is a time to reflect on the past year and to look forward to the new one.  There are all sorts of traditions and rituals to help assure that the upcoming year will bring all good things to bear.

As for my own reflections, the past year has been a difficult one.  I would not say that it was bad.  Indeed, I would have to say that there is a specific giftedness to it.  The struggles have been difficult and even perilous at times. However, as I look forward to a new year I am aware that some kind of transformation has taken place, particularly over the last two months of 2009.  I do feel like a new person walking into 2010.  More accurately, perhaps, I might say that I feel like a new “Being” in that there has been a pretty radical change in my way of being.

There were a few things I changed over the last year that have made a difference in my ability to “just be”.  It has been over a year, actually, that I stopped listening to the radio.  My reason had to do with all the advertising.  On the local station I listened to, I kept hearing ads for things such as minor plastic surgeries which would make women look 10 years younger in order to make their husbands more attracted to them. (This is true, I kid you not!) So, rather than listen to the radio and because I really like music, I burned some CD’s to play in the car and I downloaded (legally through iTunes!) music to my iPod and would fill those empty spaces with music I wanted to hear.

I also got rid of cable TV.  In part, because, again, I was tired of all of the advertising I was being bombarded with all of the time.  I decided that even if it was innocuously playing in the background, the messages were still playing with my psyche telling me how I needed this or that in order to be a worthwhile person.  I was  noticing that all of the cars being advertised were the ones that I don’t believe 80% of the population could truly afford.  This seemed wrong to me.  I also figured I was paying a lot of money for programming I did not watch.  I have no interest in sports or the myriad reality and “how to” shows.  I decided it was not worth the money I was paying for the handful of shows I watched on cable TV with any regularity.  Besides, I could stream most shows on my computer, anyway.

I became content watching what was being broadcast on local television stations.  Now, wouldn’t you know that it is just my luck that the year I decide to do away with cable TV is the year that all broadcasting switches over to digital?  So now I have to mess around with converter boxes and rabbit ear antennae.  There are times I actually have to get out of my seat to adjust the antenna after I have used the remote to change a channel!  Oh yes … and in this era of TV’s that are bigger than I am tall, I still watch a little 13″ TV.  (My daughter took the 22″ TV with her to college.)

These changes seemed realistic and doable to me at the time.  I quickly learned, however, I was not ready to confront the silence I found around me.  For awhile, I found myself compulsively watching streaming video or video disc’s on my computer.  This made me realize just how conditioned I was to being distracted and/or entertained.  I was disturbed to find how disturbing it was to not sit mindlessly in front of the TV.

This past fall, I moved from a 3-bedroom home with a full basement and attic (roughly 1500-2000 sq ft) to a small home that measures 19′ x 19′ on the interior — or 361 sq ft. I gave away most of my furniture, my books, and any number of other things. OK — I admit that I also have a 10′ x 10′ storage space I rent for stuff I don’t need/use regularly but did not want to part with.  Basically I only moved about 4 houses across the street and down a small side street.  I am off the main street and my little house sits back about 1.5 lots off of the side street.  Out of each window I see mostly just trees.  It is VERY quiet.  I see footprints from squirrels and rabbits in the snow.  It is like living in the midst of nature, while still being in the city.

So, these are some of the changes I made to my “outer” life in this past year.  These outer changes have brought about inner changes I had not quite foreseen.

But I am aware, that as I sit here this morning, I have not heard any sounds other than those of the keys on my keyboard, the hum of the refrigerator, the furnace kicking in every now and then, the movements of my cat in this space we share and if I stop typing for a moment, I think I can hear the snow as it falls on the pine tree outside the window in front of which I sit.  All of this and a cup of tea.

It is good.

I hope this is my omen for what this new year brings.

May you all be well.

Winter Solstice

We have just celebrated the winter solstice, the shortest day and longest night of the year here in the northern hemisphere. This seems to me to be a very appropriate time to return to my blog.

Along with our planet, I am also beginning to move out of darkness and into light.

These past few months since my last post have found me in a truly Dark Night of the Soul.

A quick run down:  Kristi, in one of your comments you queried that perhaps my rejection by Gampo Abbey had “knocked the heart out of me” … and you were SO right!  And on so many levels!

In mid-June, I came down with the H1N1 virus.  Now, I don’t think that there is a real correlation between this and what was to come next, but it seems to mark a beginning of sorts.  Shortly thereafter, I found myself in dark places …. and walking into that experience others have described as the Dark Night of the Soul …. and rightly so!  I found myself in dark places such that I thought I would never, ever return from.

I reached a point where I believed the only relief would be from death itself and I entered into that frightening realm of suicidal ideation.  For awhile, it was one thing to have the thoughts, but one night, I found that I had actually developed an intent to act on the thoughts.  Yes, I developed a plan.  These were VERY hard weeks.  Then, a routine doctor’s appointment found an arrhythmia in my heart that was confirmed by an EKG.  My heart was throwing PCV’s.  Starting the next day, Oct. 27th, I was out of work …… and have been since then.

I have now been cleared to return when school re-opens on Jan.4th. The good news is that just as we begin to see more light during our days, the same can be true for my own “inner” days. I know I still have a ways to go, but the light is returning.

With your patience, I would like to spend some time on this blog to reflect on the journey I have been on in the past months.  In the midst of thedeepest pain I have been aware that I have learned much.  One of these lessons has been about how new life ALWAYS germinates in the darkness.

I have been deeply touched by those who have left supportive messages even during my silence.  Each one touched me deeply and I am very grateful … in ways I may never be able to express.

So … I hope this finds you all well and ready to embark on this coming new year ….

Debbie

A Sufi spiritual meditative dance that is said to lead to the possibility of ecstatic union with God.

Here are some thoughts I had in response to a discussion I participated in elsewhere of how Extreme Islamists vicitmize Sufis.  (I am thinking that there are those who might consider Sufis to be extreme Islamists who are persecuted by Islamist Fundamentalists … but that is another conversation!)  They seemed appropriate to what I try to address here, thus, the cross-post!

This is exactly what has led me to the study of Buddhism ….. For some reason, the Abrahamic religions, perhaps simply because of geopolitical positioning, took the pursuit of the discipline of science as it developed in the “age of enlightenment” and has tried to make religion ‘answerable” to science. 
 
Because much in mysticsm (which is considered esoteric) in the Abrahamic traditions of Christianity, Judaism and Islam was not previously able to be understood through a “scientific” lens, the “exoteric”  groups have tried to denigrate or simply ignore the esoteric groups.  More recently, however, science is giving us some insight into exactly what happens, say in the brain, when one meditates, etc.
 
Christianity has a strong and long history of mysticism, but you will not hear much about it in church on Sundays …. and if you do, it is generally in terms of mystical ecstatic unions ….. stuff generally accepted as being unreachable and probably not even something acceptable today.

Both Islam and Judaism have esoteric branches - Sufiism and Kabbalah, respectively.
 
A number of years ago, when I was trying so hard to find a way to “fit” in the Catholic church, it suddenly became clear to me that what I wanted, what I sought, was simply to know God.  (friend of mine I was going through this particular exercise, her answer to “What is it that you seek?” was “a voice in the Church” (RC) She is now a pastoral adminstrator. (She is, in effect, the “Pastor” of the church and the priest is the “Sacramental Minister”.)

I really wanted to “know God” within the context of my church ….. but the more I got in touch with this longing for God, the more it became apparent that I needed to search within myself.  My church did not have “tools” to give me to do this …. Buddhism has.

Justin Whitaker over at American Buddhist Perspective has bestowed upon me an “Honest Scrap Award“. The award is described as follows:

This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant. This award is about bloggers who post from their heart, who oftentimes put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul.

I am always touched when Justin comments here on this blog, as I see him as a “real” Buddhist whereas I just seem to be stumbling along.  So, to be included in his list of “brilliant” blogs is a particular affirmation for me!

In Justin’s words: Debbie’s is one of only a few that I read each new post closely. Such reading, I find, pays off as one journeys with her through nature, deep questions, and the depths of the heart where Buddhism and Catholicism are one. In terms of spirituality I see much of myself, or who I aspire to be, in her words and adventures.

Thanks Justin!

Now that my ego has been stroked enough to make me blush ….  the rules of the Honest Scrap Award stipulate that I am to:

1. brag about it;
   
2. choose a minimum of seven blogs that I find brilliant;
   
3. and list ten honest things about myself.

#1 Brag about it …

OK … I think this post does the bragging …. but I admit I have told a few non-blogger friends about it as well!!!

#2  Seven Blogs I find brilliant:

American Buddhist : Whereas this might seem to be redundant, Justin’s blog is one that I always read with interest and with a sense of resonance … maybe it is our shared interest in photography!  But for someone coming from academia, I find his writing very approachable, real and in the moment …. all things I value.  I also find his writing about Buddhism on this blog to be unencumbered by dogma and doctrine which is particularly appealing to me …

A Seat at the Table : Claire’s blog is a part of her web presence at A Catholic Woman’s Place.  I admire her ability to remain within the church while also calling for so much needed change. Her breadth and depth of experiences are richly incorporated in her writing while remaining unpretentious.  I find her reflections theologically sound, drawing both on the the richness of tradition and the call to social justice in our modern world.  She also seems to have discovered that elusive balance between living contemplatively while living actively in our world.

A Wounded Deer Leaps Highest The writer of this blog shares her journey to heal the woundedness of her life as she also works toward helping healing others.  I find her writing compelling and downright brilliant.  She creates vivid pictures in words which evoke a sense of being with her in the experience.  I also am in awe of her heroic efforts to face the woundedness of her life and the healing way in which she touches the lives of those around her.

Quotidian Vicissitudes I thoroughly enjoy David’s playfully series descriptors of events in his everyday life.  I think that anyone reading them can’t help but see bits and pieces of themselves and people they encounter everyday.  When reading David’s blog posts, I always come away with a much needed chuckle and sense of not taking my own life so seriously.

Ken Wilber I have been interested in the work of Ken Wilber, a modern day philosopher and prolific author for awhile now.  I have been following what has been happening at the Integral Institute and I find the work engaging and forward thinking.

Merton in Asia This blog was kept by Rob Pollock from Vancouver, British Columbia from October 15th to December 10th 2008 as a reflective commemoration of Thomas Merton’s trip to Asia form October 15th to December 10th 1968.  It is wonderful following of Thomas’ journey through Asia while also looking at the culture and state of the world in 1968 and 2008. I find it thought provoking …. and a little nostalgic as I was a preteen back in ‘68 and listening to music and watching TV clips from that time brings back my own memories ….

Awakening to Numinous Joy Ok, so my first attraction to this blog was the word “numinous” … I just like the word!!!  Susan may only post occasionally, but I always enjoy what I read there, mostly, perhaps, because we seem to read the same authors and reflect on the same life issues and have similar life stances.  We seem to be traversing similar inner landscapes.  We are also both Aries (hmmm …what is the plural for Aries?  Arieses????)

#3  Ten honest things about myself ….

1) I believe that in a previous existence in this world, I was tall, blonde, thin with endless legs but I must have been very arrogant and conceited, because this time around, I am not any of these things  ::::sigh:::::

2) I was an athlete in college …. a fencer … and reasonably good at it!!

3) I live and work in a city of a quarter of a million souls (sounds so much more dramatic than 250K!) but I really think I should be in the country somewhere.

4) I have recently given up cable TV and an internet connection at home ….. and I think I am going out of my mind!!!!  Really!!!  Who knew I was so addicted???? (thankfully I can still get my e-mail, check Facebook and check out the web on my Blackberry STORM … as long as I am wearing my reading glasses.)

5) I drive way to fast …. in fact … I better go pay that outstanding speeding ticket before they come take my license away ….

6) I marvel at the fact that I raised a daughter who has safely arrived at the solid age of 22 and seems ready to launch her life ….

7) I am an only child and I have 2.5 brothers.

8 ) I have too many college degrees and I make too little money …. I actually think there is a direct correlation there …..

9) I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up ….

10) I can’t figure out why people at Weight Watcher’s meetings sit around talking about food …. I then have to leave the meeting and go out to get something to eat!  Good thing I don’t attend AA meetings!!!
OK!!!  That is it, I have finished!!  Phew!  This was a lot of work!

This weekend I was listening to a recording from Pema Chodron on True Happiness.  The thought that has stayed with me is that True Happiness is large enough to hold sadness, disappointment, anxiety, etc.

This spoke to me as if to say that happiness is a state of being that can hold impermanent emotions associated with “un”happiness.  These “un”happy emotions can arise in response to circumstances.  Indeed,  our human condition being what it is, these emotions are inescapabale.  However, it is good to think that as long as we do not attempt to avoid them or to cling to them, but rather let them rise and fall away as they will, then our sense of happiness need not be eradicated.

Apparently I am having more difficulty with accepting the fact that I was not accepted at Gampo Abbey than I would like to admit.  I really am trying to not fall in to the whole “sour grapes” scenario.  What I am aware of, however, is that I am liable to just throw out Buddhism entirely.  I think I am feeling as if all of Buddhism has rejected me ….. silly, huh???

It seems as if the central reason for not admitting me to the abbey without having previously made a “Buddhist” dathun (one month retreat) was due to the nature of possible diffiuculties arising from the “mind work”.  Apparently, if one can make it through a dathun, one has a better chance of making it through a year-long experience?  Again, I would point to the fact that having completed a year long canonical novitiate should count for something! 

I am thinking that perhaps the very fact that I am reacting the way I am proves the point of the Abbey director.

::::sigh::::::::

As I probably stated in an earlier post, my own concerns regarding going to the Abbey was having to deal with the dogma and doctrine I would encounter.  My interpretation of having been summarily dismissed based only on the written application and without any conversation at all is that it was a dogmatic decison.  So, I guess, in my mind,  my original concerns have been validated. 

What was my intent for spending time at the abbey?  What is it that I percieve I have lost?

My intent was to study Buddhism in such a way that I felt would be more “experiential” than doing purely academic study.  I had hoped that I would be able to study Buddhism in depth in a context that would foster my ability to internalize what I learned.  It is precsiely the setting aside a year of my life to do this “mind work” that was my goal. 

There must be some lesson I am to learn in all of this, but as of this writing, it has not become clear to me just what this lesson may be ….

Not sure why, but when I woke up this morning I decided I wanted to go walk the labyrinth at a local park/nature center.  An odd thought, really, as this is something I have not done in a number of years.

So, I did it ….. and while I was there I also walked one of the (shorter!) nature trails.  Being early spring, yet, there was not a lot of new life … but some ….. I took a few pictures:

As I walked the trail, I came across benches … so of course I tried each one while thoughts of Goldilocks and the Three Bears amused my inner child …..

As I rounded the back bend of the trail I found another bench that I thought looked just perfect upon which to just sit and commune with nature.  However, as I approached it, I was startled by some movement in the woods ….. and was surprised that I had walked within a few yards of two grazing deer.

I tell you, this deer and I shared a moment!!!

Yep …. way cool …… felt like a gift from the universe.

Many thanks to Kristi for her gentle nudge regarding my posts, or lack thereof!!!

Just before I had written the last post, I had received some news that has had a major impact on my immediate future.

Last November I had submitted an application to be a resident at Gampo Abbey (a Buddhist Monastery) in Nova Scotia for a year.  (August 2009-2010).  In order to do this, I also had to apply for a sabbatical from teaching.

The long and short of it is that I was not accepted by the Abbey … have not yet heard about the sabbatical.

The director of the Abbey has assured me that I was not out right “rejected”.  It was just that my application could not be considered until I had completed a dathun (one month retreat).

The reality is, this requirement to complete a dathun does mean I will not be considered, as I can’t take a sabbatical for a month.  Also, the costs of dathuns are beyond my reach.  Everything in my life at this particular time is just right for me being able to go apart for a year. By being on sabbatical, I would still receive 60% of my salary for the year which would more than cover my living expenses at the Abbey.

I did not make this application lightly.  I first had the idea back in Oct. 2007 as I was reading the works of Pema Chodron, but I dismissed it as being just my enthusiastic reaction to her writing.  But the idea, I guess, sort of stayed in my mind and by May 2008 I began to think “Well, why not??” So I started considering the idea in earnest, researched what was required and spoke with people about it, including my family, friends, co-workers and even my therapists.  On all counts, everything was favorable.  So, in October 2008, I began writing out the application and finally everything was sent in November 2008 and I received notice from the Abbey that everything had been received by Novenber 25, 2008.

Now, the first thing that makes me “wonder” is why, in the application process, it was never mentioned that a dathun was required before an application would be considered.  Had I known this, I would never have made the application and have my life held in suspension for about half of a year.

The director also mentioned the intensity of living in community with no way to “get away” and how this, for some, along with the “mind” work,  is too much pressure.  OK … .so did she read where I had been in a convent for 6 years???  That I have made many retreats, even silent ones?  Perhaps she did not understand that the canonical year of the novitiate is, essentially, a year long retreat.

I am aware of issues regarding living in community.  I had specifically discussed all of this with both of my therapists in order to get their “blessings” (so to speak) that my mind was in an OK state in order to make this particular journey.  One of them even wrote one of the required recommendations as a part of the application process.   They were both surprised that I had not been accepted.

Indeed, everyone that knows me well has been surprised that I was not accepted.

What I had been concerned about was how I might have difficulty with the doctrine and dogma of this particular lineage as well as taking on a Tibetan cultural way of living.  But I thought I would be OK if I approached it as a learning experience, without needing to think I needed to change ontologically and “become” Tibetan.

I keep thinking to myself that “This moment is the perfect teacher” and wondering what it is I should be learning here.  I keep thinking that maybe the universe is telling me that my path does not include being more “steeped” in Buddhism.

I have found that I am interested in the intersection of Buddhism and Psychology as well as the intersection of Buddhism and Christianity.  So, perhaps my path is more secular rather than monastic and my thought that a monastic experience would help me develop a depth of understanding and experience that I could then apply to a secular approach of living the Dharma was simply wrong.

It does leave me wondering what I should do next.  I considered withdrawing my application for a sabbatical, but in the end I left it and once I get an answer on that application, I may have a better idea of what to do next.  Or maybe not ……………

In the meantime, I am off next weekend to the Boston area to attend a conference on “Relational Mindfulness” ….. which combines Buddhist concepts with a psychodynamic theory called “Relational Cultural Theory”.  Then, in May, the Dalai Lama is speaking on Psychoytherapy and Meditation: cultivating wisdom and compassion.  Again in Boston and sponsored by the Harvard Medical School.  I am trying to decide if I can afford to attend this conference as well.

Maybe this is my Path ………